Tag Archives: goals

What My 30 Looks Like

5 Jun

Tomorrow I am turning 30. I think this post is mostly me trying to exist in this moment where I am still 29 but prepared for 30. My twenties felt adequately long and I don’t feel like I missed them or they went too fast or anything like that. I guess I just feel strange to identify myself differently to others as a new decade of age.

Does turning 30 mean I have to become an adult? Does it maybe mean that automatically without a say in the matter that I AM an adult?! Maybe I’m scared that I’m not doing enough or accomplishing enough to be 30. I remember being 14 and thinking that 30 year olds were so mature and adult. At 14 where did I think I would be at the end of my third full decade?

I will look at 30 from where I thought I would be and compare it to where I am.

I thought I would be married. For sure I know I saw myself hitched  with a super hot husband by 30 when I was younger. He had a name like Clifford or Geoffrey and his job was rescuing animals from oil spills but he made a ton of money doing it. I’m not sure it was ever explained to me back then how salaries worked for different careers. Plus, it’s my fantasy, so I am responsible for setting the pay grades for these fictional men. Man who washes a baby duck with dish soap: $1 million dollars a year. Now I get super excited when a guy can afford his own taco’s on $1 Taco Tuesday. If he splurges for the extra guacamole for himself I’m floored.

I used to think, “which man will be lucky enough to get a special girl like me?”

Now I think, “who is kind and patient enough to put up with my being a cuckoo nut-job forever?”

I used to think, “I’ll be so happy and lucky to be married.”

Now I think, “I’m so happy and lucky to not be married!”

I used to think, “Having a husband will mean I’m never alone.”

Now I think, “Having a husband will mean I’m never alone… so how will I have time to dance to the Hamilton Cast Recording in my underwear at full volume?!”

I thought I would have kids. At least one or two by now and all very well behaved (don’t make me repeat the part where my fantasy gets to be awesome and unrealistic). My children would mow the lawn and do dishes and we would all play games and read books together and never fight and I would love them so hard they would explode. Now the thought of having kids, let alone multiple kids by this age is HILARIOUS to me. Not for everyone, I know lots of people who are together enough for kids in their twenties, but I forgot to buy toilet paper last week and was peeing and then immediately showering for two whole days, I am not that person. If I had a child now, every stuffed animal they owned would sleep with me in my bed. I would name them all and if my beautiful sweet angel wanted one to play with themselves I wouldn’t want to let them. As a full grown adult, I would be reluctant to share a stuffed children’s toy with my own child, the person I’m supposed to be teaching about sharing. Video games? Those are also for me. Here is a stick, go play with that.

I used to think, “I can’t wait to have kids.”

Now I think, “I should really wait to have kids.”

I used to think, “Having kids will bring me such joy.”

Now I think, “Having kids will bring me so much joy… in like five or six more years. Today this hamburger brought me so much joy.”

I used to think, “I’ll be a great mom.”

Now I think, “I’ll do my best when I become a mom, but dammit am I going to screw them up royally”

I thought I would have an impressive career. Professional chef or veterinarian were my logical choices but anyone who knows me knows that my real dream was to be a sea lion trainer at the aquarium. I would have gone to school, gotten all A’s easily and found a job instantly out of school. I would show up every day and love my job and love Ce-Lion Dion and Cee-Lo-In Green (the sea lions names, obviously). I would be making an easy six figures a year (although money would be no object because my husband is seen on those Dawn commercials scrubbing pelicans, so we are good) and I would be well on my way to becoming Queen Head Trainer. Soon after I believe the next promotion is Queen of all Sea Lions, a job I would have taken quite seriously and accepted with honor and pride.

I am now a writer and bartender. Turns out I love them both more than anything else I’ve ever done. Although I do tire of people asking me what I’m going to do with my life, I know that I wake up every day excited to go to work and my life is my own. I have a flexible schedule, make good money, have fun every day, meet new exciting people and get to express myself on my own terms. It’s really great.

A few weeks ago I was bar tending a business event at work and one of the bosses of the company, an older gentleman (maybe 70’s?) ordered a very specific martini. I always love someone who knows exactly what they love to drink so naturally we were having a pleasant conversation while I mixed. He told me he had been a bartender years ago and said, “Of every job I ever had, that was my favorite. I have always missed it.” I make no qualms about his choice to find security, but the look in his eyes while I peeled his lemon twist was pure admiration and it made me feel good about where I am and how I got here.

I used to think, “I need an impressive job to be successful and happy.”

Now I think, “I need to make sure I pay the bills, beyond that success and happiness are found, for me, in non-conventional jobs.”

I used to think, “I will know what I’m meant to do with my life.”

Now I think, “If I ever stop exploring and learning my life will have no meaning.”

I used to think, “Being a well respected career woman would be nifty.”

Now I think, “I wonder if Cat Fancy Magazine would publish my songs about Ninja Squee?”

I would have tons of awesome friends that I saw all the time. Oh wait, I do.

Nailed it!

I guess I just needed to write this to see that I’m alright. I feel like I can wake up tomorrow and face 30 with gumption. Sure I haven’t done things the way I planned, but some of my plans were misinformed or insane (except the sea lion thing, I still want to be their Queen). If I’m giving myself some credit I can say I have lived in the moment enough to be aware of who I am, who I want to continue to become, what and who is important to me and how to be happy most of the time. Heck, I got to name my cat Pooter with no one objecting and I can eat burritos every day and fart alone in my beautiful apartment. If that isn’t success, I want no part in what is.


Procrastinating Again

26 Oct

Well I’ve done it again. I have five days left in the month and 22 posts left to reach my goal. Fear not– I have a plan!

It’s going to be a lot of work but I refuse to not accomplish this task. I have never let myself down before when I set these blog objectives and this isn’t when I plan to start. I did some fast math and I have to write four posts every day plus one to make it under the wire. I am setting up guidelines for the type of posts each of the four needs to be.

1. A list post- This can be any type of list. It cannot simply be a list with no explanation, I will be sure to insert my cuckoo anecdotes. Also, since I just re-watched High Fidelity for the zillionth time I will honor the format by having each list contain five points.

2. Three things I’ve learned post- This is what it sounds like, I’m not trying to be vague in the description here. I will choose someone or something that is in my life and write three points of how I have grown and learned from said subject. Some of these will be funny and some will be serious, all will be hopefully insightful and not crappy.

3. Pet post- I own a dog, two cats and a shrimp so one post a day about each of them will get me through four days. On the fifth day I will either write about the group as a whole or branch out to childhood pets, friends pets or pets I wish I had. Let’s just say I’ll keep it pet related on the last day but the direction is yet to be determined. If people don’t like pets or animals as a subject I would say they shouldn’t read this one daily, but really that sounds like a personal problem. People who dislike critters should reconsider and read about my super awesome furry friends and how super fun and awesome pets are. I will melt their cold cold hearts one crazy cat lady story at a time.

4. Social media’s choice- As with number two, I’m not trying to throw anyone off with the title; this is self explanatory. I will throw it out to the people of the internet to give me topics and I will try and choose some that are outside of my comfort zone. This is everyone’s big chance– this could even start in the comments section below this post!

I’m going to do this, because like many things in my life, I may not have gone about this goal in a conventional or reasonable way, but I will get the damn thing done. Come Halloween I will hit 31 posts. Plus, now I only have 21 left to go.

Thirty-One Posts

2 Oct

Last year in the month of November I committed to writing thirty blog entries in thirty days. This was admittedly a way to give myself a jump after the death of my mother in October. This year, with the anniversary of this loss looming, I’m starting the new challenge of writing thirty-one posts in a month.

Day one of the month I missed the very first post. I can say that it’s because I was in Vermont with no service or that I have an incredibly nasty cold, both are true, but I still could have done it. Excuses, even when they are real, are still no good.

For last years challenge I missed plenty of days and was left at the end with a lot to make up in just a few days. I had someone telling me that I should be content with having written more posts than normal and to just stop. I was told not to be so hard on myself to write so much in the final throws and I would do better next time. Well I didn’t listen to that; I wrote every single post that I had promised. Three days of sitting in my pj’s and facing delirium, writers block, pets who were determined to sleep on my keyboard or barf on my coffee table, and random fits of giggles didn’t stop me. When I hit that goal I knew I had done right by my mother and more importantly myself.

I have been afraid to set a goal that large for a while now, but I feel ready to take on more.

I’m sure in the upcoming weeks I will have countless reasons to skip a day or put off writing, and that’s okay. As long as when Halloween rolls around with that scary 31 on the calendar I finish my thirty first post by midnight. I missed day one and I will have to write multiple posts on another day to make up for that, but at least I didn’t let that first hurdle stop me. I could have moved the whole thing to November and excused myself by saying that I would make it an annual event, but I won’t take that road. I want the month I had first told myself I would do; the month that is longer, filled with more fun fall distractions and the month with the most emotional charge. Bring it on.

Look at that, I just finished the first post, bedridden with a cold and everything. Thirty left to go.

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