Tag Archives: crazy

“From Inferno to Paradiso”

29 Jan

It’s been a crazy week. This has further proven to me that I’m a crazy person.

Monday, January 25 would have been my mothers 66th birthday; one of a few torturous days that used to be just a day and that now will be forever marked. I started feeling the effects of it days in advance, leaving groups of friends to weep uncontrollably in the bathroom and then gathering myself knowing I could be alright. I believed by early afternoon that day that I was going to get through the day itself alright and that the anticipation had worn out all my feelings. I was wrong.

After a lovely phone call with my Aunt, reminiscing about my bright, bubbly, effervescent mother I tumbled into a heartache so excruciating I could feel it in my bones. I lay in my study listening to Barbara Streisand and feeling my insides mush together like they were being shoved through a vice. I felt grief, as I often do, in the most acute way possible.

Sometimes I marvel at how commonplace that feeling has become for me. I feel it, I cry, I ache and my mind thrashes. Then, as though I am two separate people, I ease myself out of it. I remind myself that I am alright, that things are the same and I think about the positives in my life. I remember that I will feel that way again, possibly soon, and I accept it and take breathes in the moments I feel calm. I have learned though experience that I will come out the other side even though it feels at the time like sadness you never recover from.

I move forward.

Wednesday of this week was my Stepfather’s 66th birthday and I made sure to get the night off so I could spend it with him. We went to dinner with a friend of his, I got him his favorite cake and we all spent the night celebrating the ever wonderful Andy. He is such a satisfying person to do things for because he always acts so surprised that anyone has considered him at all. He is appreciative and fun and a joy to be around, so all of it was really most enjoyable for me I think. I would eat Indian food and Carrot Cake with him everyday if I could find an excuse.


Andy’s first official selfie taken this past fall

Today I received an e-mail from Andy thanking me again for the birthday festivities and telling me that he felt “greatly loved and happier than I have been in some time”. The feeling is so mutual.

Having these two birthdays, which we as a family used to celebrate together, land so back to back had me wrecked with exhaustion this morning. I hardly slept all week and continue to feel something like a hangover of sorrow from Monday combined with a lovely high from Wednesday. I went to work tonight as scheduled and put on my usual public smile. One of my bosses even commented and said, “I’ve never seen you anything but bubbly”. The compliment combined with a friend visiting me at work, my coworkers all in good spirits, and a great comedy show, made for a nice shift.

On the drive home I felt overcome. I felt the ceaseless despair and the undeniable glee that both define my inner self constantly. I thought about each one separately and realized just how dramatic and wild it all is. I rarely feel anything that couldn’t qualify me for a Jane Austen novel or Nicholas Sparks film. I don’t just cry, I weep. I never feel good, I feel exuberant. I love deeply, give heartily, receive graciously and create passionately.

All of this comes from my mother; for better or worse.

Scan 56

My shameless, fabulous mother owning the 90s aerobics scene

Tonight I feel grateful for all of it. Without living in the spirit crushing events of Monday I would hardly have been so thankful for all the love I felt on Wednesday. I don’t want to be someone who tries to stifle all the insanity, it makes me feel alive. My mother would want me to feel alive. I want to cry the way she did, so openly that she left nearby strangers worried. I want to love the way she did, so deeply that I risk everything. I want to find myself in the many moments I am blessed to have because I was raised by a women who was never ashamed to feel what she was feeling. I want to frighten and astonish everyone with my quirk and zeal and find inspiration in theirs.

I want my life to be madness; crazy, wonderful, unrestrained life that spreads from those I adore to others I meet. I’m sure that way I won’t have regrets and it will certainly make the January 25th’s feel more purposeful instead of just sad.

Note about the posting: I wrote this listening to Mahler’s Symphony No. 1 performed by Leonard Bernstein and the New York Philharmonic (noteworthy for those who knew my mother well and for the title of the blog). This is dedicated to Morris, my mothers best friend, who wrote me a letter this week that made me feel like I could and should write again. His reaching out to me made an extraordinary difference in my drive and I’m so thankful.


Full Time Job Hunting

20 Mar

Applying for full time jobs is a full time job… only horrible.

  • At a full time job I get paid money for my time and energy — applying for a full time job full time I spend money on icky things like resume paper and interview outfits.
  • At a full time job I have a place to show up everyday where people are glad to see me — applying for a full time job full time I show up at Panera to try to befriend with the teenage workers and realize I will never be cool with them (my long-term goal is to get a free asiago cheese bread hookup).
  • At a full time job I am given guidelines and tasks to be productive — applying for a full time job full time I set my own guidelines and tasks such as, “put on pants today” and “I can eat food once I’ve sent out 5 resumes”.
  • At a full time job I make friends and collaborate on projects with like minded people — applying for a full time job full time I have built a relationship with the dog while seeking advice on cover letters and discuss peace treaties with the cats regarding their sitting on the computer keyboard.
  • At a full time job I get to go to office parties and events— applying for a full time job full time I choreograph dances to the entire Frozen Soundtrack and celebrate things like National Ravioli Day and my half-birthday.
  • At a full time job I feel a sense of accomplishment after a hard days work — applying for a full time job full time I feel like I accomplished nothing tangible after a hard days work so I solve a crossword puzzle to feel like I am winning (Monday puzzles only when trying to achieve this sense of defeat).
  • At a full time job I get health benefits that are handled by human resources — applying for a full time job full time I learn the ins and outs of the Health Source RI webpage and by that I mean: the website takes me in circles and then laughs in my face when, after four hours of filling out the same boxes it tells me the site is undergoing maintenance and will be down until after the deadline to apply (seriously, I heard it laugh).
  • At a full time job I am up for promotions and hear praise from the higher ups when I accomplish my goals  — applying for a full time job full time, upgrading my Pandora account for 99 cents is my only promotion and when I accomplish my goal to apply for at least 10 jobs a day I hear, “You are awesome and we hope you will consider applying for other positions with our company in the future but we are going in another direction this time.” So that is a little bit like praise right?

I do feel a sense of pride that through all of this I push forward and continue to search for that elusive, “you’re hired”. I am getting to know my abilities and strengths on a whole new level and I have found there is nothing I cannot accomplish. My grandmother often says to me, “every ‘no’ is a step on the path to the job you were meant for”.

Each “no” will make that final “yes” endlessly valuable to me.

  • What a daily work meeting looks like at my apartment

    What a daily work meeting looks like at my apartment

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