Emocery Shopping

18 Dec

In college I learned never to go grocery shopping while stoned. Now, just under a decade later I learned a new lesson: don’t go grocery shopping while PMSing. My experience was a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. My heightened senses made everything new and intense, suddenly I saw things I’d once overlooked and felt things I need not feel in a Stop & Shop.

My first clue that there was a problem was in produce when I pushed my cart towards the sale berries and realized I had chosen the dreaded handi-capable carriage. You can get it around, but you must use both hands and all your upper arm strength to keep it straight. When I reached the genetically mutated strawberries it was all over, I burst into tears (much to the surprise of the people near me choosing blueberries). I attempted to call a male friend of mine, figuring some calm masculine energy would right my wrongs. I think the combination of knowing he thought I was a nut and his fearful attempts to be supportive anyways just made me feel the way I do when I see those ads with abused animals and whiney singing in the background. He mentioned something about getting a new cart, but I was already to the potatoes so I had to push on, there was no way to look back on this trip.

Here are some of the things that made me emotional in the rest of my steady decline towards true fruitcake.

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False advertising, these cukes aren’t sweet or kind, they are deceitful and wasteful.

These cucumbers are designated as “mini hot house cucumber”. This leads me to believe that they were made in a very tiny and very warm hut. So are we saying that our produce is now being raised in cramped conditions like our meat industry? Is it even more efficient to use a miniature greenhouse? If there is mass production going on here (which based on the unnecessary plastic bag they come in I assume there is) wouldn’t a large or even normal sized hot house be smarter? If the sign had read “hot house mini cucumbers” I would garner that the cucumbers themselves were tiny and have no opinion of the conditions they were grown in.

Dec 13, 2013At the end of the produce debacle I ran into a holiday setup for nuts. I should say though that this was not just some extra nuts in case you want to roast a chestnut of offer holiday guests a peanut or two. This was post-apocalyptic hoarder type quantities of every nut and legume imaginable. I get that pistachios are trendy and have hip commercials right now but who is eating them at a spring squirrel rate? Now, if this was a cheese display I might have been happy.

WOW; A Whole new can size I've never seen before!

WOW; A Whole new can size I’ve never seen before!

THIS CAN GAVE ME FEELINGS! IT IS THE TALLEST THINNEST CAN I EVER SAW AND IT HAS ASPARAGUS IN IT! I was so happy that they accommodate the asparagus by making it a custom sized home. I bet canned asparagus is really gross though. I stood at this can longer than my fellow shoppers seemed comfortable with considering I didn’t buy any of these vegetables. The picture taking might have made me look creepy as well.

Not seen here:

Seen here: Kosher, Thai, Asian.
Not seen here: Mexican, Spanish, Goya (?), Indian

This whole isle is racist. A few questions: Isn’t Thai also Asian? Why don’t the other asian cuisines get their own sign? Why specifically Thai? What is Goya? Isn’t that a brand? Why is there so much of it that it has it’s own section that poses as an ethnicity? Is Goya an ethnicity I don’t know about and now that I’ve written this I’m the one who is racist? OOH, gefilte fish!

What is this Franken-corn?

What is this Franken-corn?

This says, “high-popping hybrid”. What is it a hybrid of? Are we now mutating popcorn? What did it need help with that we need to hybrid it with? Is it popcorn bred with leprechauns? What is happening down at the Jolly Time factories?! Also, relating to the previous picture, this White Pop Corn is racist. Wait, has pop corn always been two separate words? I’m getting emotional again, I’ve been doing things all wrong for such a long time…

How many noodles are there?

How many noodles are there?

Joy! This soup has more than enough noodles, I am happy again. With most canned soups I wonder, “how man noodles will there be in here?” This assures me that there are plenty. No more sleepless nights; I take noodles counts in soups very seriously (which anyone who knows me can vouch is true). I was also elated to see the distinction that this particular soup is HEALTHY. Plenty A Noodles and it’s good for me? I’m so in.

IMG_4119

No. Just no.

As someone who is currently on Weight Watchers, can I just say that I am offended when companies make “diet food”. What I mean is that I am already craving fudge, must it be offered to me as a carbonated sugar substitute in liquid form? This is the worst crime against fudge I have ever witnessed. No.

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They let a schizophrenic holiday elf design this end cap.

What is the reasoning behind this miss-mash of items being displayed together?! A variety of boxed potatoes, canned yams, and mini marshmallows? If anyone is happy to see these items conveniently located together I do not want what they are cooking. Usually the end of aisle displays have themes, this one’s is “WE DIDN’T HAVE A PLACE FOR THIS OVERFLOW AFTER THANKSGIVING! BUY THIS GROSS STUFF!”

IMG_4121

Hehe, Nog.

This isn’t eggnog folks… this is a lowfat egg nog flavored dairy beverage. The people at this advertising firm really know how to make my mouth water. Can someone please tell them that I don’t need to know scientifically what is in this half-gallon. You can lie a little bit as long as you are getting the point across. This makes me feel ill. What a gross way to end my shopping trip and a perfect way to make me nauseous about the holidays. Thanks a lot Garelick Farms, you’ve really done it this time.

I’m going to go eat some Plenty A Noodles.

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One Response to “Emocery Shopping”

  1. Frankie Wellins December 18, 2013 at 6:10 pm #

    Always glad to see you’re writing again – and a fun blog at that. Keep it up – you get better all the time. Love you, Grandma

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