Brief Thoughts on a Lot of Topics

5 Dec

Yesterday I asked Facebook to generate some ideas for this blog. One of my friends gave me a single comment filled with many ideas. I will now use what came out of his mind and associate it with what then comes out of mine. There may be no rhyme or reason to any of this, but it will be a fun exercise for me.

Go.

twinkies- A bunch of really dumb people who hadn’t bought twinkles in years suddenly wanted nothing more than the last 20 boxes of this snack on the shelves. A few months later they “magically” came back. America got punked. Brilliant marketing ploy though!

fisting- Since my family reads this blog I will assume this is referencing the fun alternative to a handshake when two people bump fists. I have never been cool enough to pull this off, but people who do look so damn smooth.

stupid things hipsters say- “I recently heard on NPR”, “I only liked their older albums”, “I bought it for $1”, “It’s vintage”, “I drink my coffee black”, “I loved Sriracha before it was cool”, “I have that on cassette tape”, “Kale is my obsession right now”, “I love Brooklyn”, “Tight colorful pants just make me smile”, “Should I order a tallboy or a PBR?”, “What do you mean you don’t watch Walking Dead?!”, “I’m not a hipster”

The above is a list of things I have said… but I’m not a hipster… I’m not.

ADD- Seems like an epidemic of people are losing their attention spans. More and more I find my friends looking at their phones while I talk or leaving them on the table at restaurants. If people do this, just know in that moment that I hate them. Why can we not stay on topic with a person anymore?! Has anyone else seen the new trailer for the next Muppet movie?

muffin top- So upsetting.

uncommon body odor- Like my recent onion fingers?

male nipples- Quick story. I was making out with a really cute guy once and he took off his shirt. I was going to just keep kissing him when he stopped everything and pulled away to say, “I’m sorry my nipples are so big.”

I wouldn’t have looked twice if he hadn’t said anything because they weren’t alarming or anything but after he said it, I could think of nothing else. I had to leave and we never kissed again. To this day I am haunted by those nips.

drones- Everyone talks about them. Obama says stuff about them, NPR is constantly analyzing them, apparently Amazon has a bunch. I’m still not totally sure what they are. I think it’s a super smart robot but I’m not taking the time to know more.

jesus sandals- That guy knew the style would come back on trend and I may not like the look, but mad props to being ahead of fashion by thousands of years.

DIY sex toys- HELLO TO MY FAMILY! What is sex? I am of course waiting until marriage when I will give myself to my one true love…

(My family is actually pretty racy. One year at the Passover Seder my Grandfather picked up the horseradish root off the table, held it up and said, “Now what does this look like?” I was young and confused so my mother informed me that,  “Honey, it looks like a penis.” I also told my first dirty nun penis joke at age 11 at a large family gathering and was applauded rather than scolded. I did mom proud.)

zoo animals- YAY x 1,000,000,000! I want to squeeze all the animals!

sharting- Almost happened to me last night. That would have made it three times in the past year and a half (or three times too many for a grown woman). Good thing I caught it in time.

swimming underwater- I have a really long story from when I was getting my Scuba Certification about perseverance, overcoming fears and learning to trust in my abilities but who has time for that in a list this long? For now I will just say that I think fish are super!

holding hands- Can’t do it. Freaks me out, I’ve tried.

bad acid trips- I’ve never tripped but I had a friend tell me once that he saw a monster crawl out of his trash can and try to eat his foot. That story may be the reason I’ve always turned down hallucinogens at parties.

stripper retirement homes- What a nice idea. Everyone needs a place to belong.

custom cars- If I could customize my car in any way I would make it a hovercraft. Is that what this topic means?

angry hand jobs- No! Just don’t do it if you’re mad. Have some Camomile tea, watch some Discovery channel and reconvene at a later time.

dinner parties- I love them. My ultimate dream is to someday have a house and a family perfect for hosting and I can throw theme dinner parties once a month for all our friends. Some theme ideas I already have: people as animals in people clothes, Harry Potter in the 80’s and Monopoly Murder Mystery. Life could be a dream.

star fuckers- What?

balloon animals- I could never have these because if they popped I would go into hysterics or I would keep them for weeks until they were shriveled and little. Some of my more traumatizing childhood memories are of deceased balloon pets.

potty humor- Always.

nacho fountain- Dammit, now I’m hungry and nothing will be as good as the river of cheese I have in my mind. Can someone make this happen for me soon?

failed pick up lines- I’m a sucker for a great pun so the really tacky lines might stand a chance with me.

road trips- When do we leave? I’ll pack the sandwiches!

girls night out- Might be cliché but I love my ladies and any night with them is a good night. Girls who don’t get along with other girls are silly; they are really missing out.

Fantasy Football- I’m in my fourth year playing and I will never look back. I’m not ashamed that I love it and I currently commission a league for people who want to try it for the first time and have help. I’m getting my ass whooped by these newbies but I only cry privately. They will never witness my shame.

egg rolls- I still don’t know the difference between an egg roll and a spring roll. Every time I think I’m close to figuring it out I try a new restaurant and they do everything different. I like them both though.

racist humor- We all do it, ethnicity is funny.

hamantaschen- Delicious… but racist.

Corey Feldman- Didn’t he die? Wasn’t it a drug overdose? Was he that guy on that singing show?

midget porn- Like regular porn but smaller. Little people are still just people.

bar fights- When guys do it: lame. When girls do it: entertaining. When Jersey Shore does it: sad.

thumb tacks- They are just so useful; but be careful they are super pointy.

Jazzercise- Anything that has the potential to involve leg warmers, dancing, bright colors, jazz hands and a giant mirror to watch it all in is A-okay with me!

Canadians- Eh?

candlelight- What a strange note to end on. I like candles. Doesn’t everyone? They smell amazing and turn any space into a romantic movie scene. People, if your significant other is pissed at you, light a few cheap candles and you win. You’ll never have to tell them they are wrong or that you’re sorry, you’ll be too busy getting hugs and love.

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2 Responses to “Brief Thoughts on a Lot of Topics”

  1. Jamie December 5, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

    This was delightfully entertaining!!! I too am now dreaming of a nacho cheese fountain, the giant nipples sound frightening, hugging zoo animals should TOTALLY be allowed, and I would LOVE to be part of a Monopoly Murder Mystery dinner!

  2. what is google authorship September 3, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

    WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for bates software

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