To String or Not To String?

7 May

Lately I feel like many of the people I love are turning on me. I’m a good person. The way I choose to eat my string cheese should not change that.

A few weeks ago while sitting around with my Improv friends I casually reached into my purse to pull out a tasty mozzarella snack. I opened it up, pulled it out and bit the top clean off. The entire room went quiet as the lite conversation around me was apparently overshadowed by my vile behavior. Not one person looked anything less than horrified. My friend Tom informed me that not stringing my cheese made me a psycho.

I have since brought this topic up with other friends and family and the general consensus seems to be extreme shock and distaste. What is so wrong with this?! When you string the cheese all you get is tiny unsatisfying little bits of cheese. It inevitably never pulls all the way from top to bottom so you end up with a thin tapering worthless cheese fragment.

Processed mozzarella isn’t brimming with flavor to begin with, so to deny ones self the opportunity for a mouthful of cheese is what I deem to be silly. I want the maximum amount of chewing sensation.

I believe that if this particular product was not branded as “String Cheese” at any point in history, nobody would eat it as such. Maybe there would have been a select few people (like the people who eat their Oreo cookies funny) who would have discovered the option to peel their dairy like a banana, but they would not have been the majority. People act as though it is inherently correct to eat the cheese strung, but I am suggesting that this is not the natural way. This means that technically, the people eating their cheese by ripping at it with their grubby fingers are actually just playing into what “The Man” thinks you should do (also, since when is it considered more civilized to tear at food with our hands?) The cheese company tells people to string their cheese and string it they will. What has happened to free will and thinking outside the box?

Sargento cheese company has a line of premium cheese snacks all shaped like the snack we know and love; but guess what? It’s unstringable (a new adjective I will attempt to use in a sentence later today). See, at the Sargento company they understand that when someone has chosen cheese for a snack, they want a quality experience. I believe that this new and improved snacking option proves that the evolution of stick cheese shows its progress in the unstringable version.

I take no issue with other people wanting to eat their string cheese the demanded way (it looks like lots of fun, really) I just also want to be allowed to chomp in peace. To judge me for my choice is to stifle and reject me and we as a people are better than that. I for one want to save time and energy whilst snacking and I want to stick it to The Man by biting down on my cheese in honor of freedom and the creative process.

I truly appreciate this forum to discuss the important social issues.

3 Responses to “To String or Not To String?”

  1. Frankie Wellins May 8, 2013 at 12:44 am #

    I hope you’ll forgive me if I say I have worked hard to master the ability to pull off a full,
    satisfying string of cheese from top to bottom. Biting it off takes all the fun and challenge out of it (although I confess sometimes when I am really hungry I have been known to
    just bite a chunk off the top) Grandma

  2. drnommy May 8, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

    I’m a stringer – but I’ll defend to the death my neighbor’s right to chomp, chew smash, mutilate (etc.) their cheese. Thank you for raising this compelling and central social issue. Funny blog, honey!

  3. Natasha Nan Wellins May 12, 2013 at 10:56 am #

    I too am a stringer – not because anyone tells me to string, but because there is something more sensually satisfying about tonguing a thin piece of mozzarella, rather than a thick piece. Every time I get lazy and just bite its head off, I regret it. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t eat it the way YOU want to! Are the shocked people perhaps guys, who are, shall we say, “projecting”? Anyway, this blog entry could easily have been the basis for a Seinfeld episode, or at least part of one.

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