A Journey Through Irresponsibility

3 May

Oh Target… I try to avoid you. I try to buy just one thing. You seduce me with your big red logo and wide, brightly lit aisles and I don’t know how to resist your reasonably low prices.

On the average trip to Target I go to buy one key item, we will call this “the bait”. When I walk in I immediately see the clothing, they placed it at the entrance just for me, because I always have an occasion for a new outfit… or six. A cotton sundress for 19.99?!?! YES PLEASE! How about a pencil skirt for 14.99? Sign me up. Oh look, leggings for 7.99 a pair; well that just means I must buy one in every color. If this doesn’t make complete sense to you, then you do not make complete sense to me and I reject your opinions. These are deals that would just be silly to pass up; I always need more leggings.

Suddenly in my mind I hear, “Samantha, move away from the clothing.”

As I back away to make my escape I stumble and get lost in the most dangerous section of all– the shoes. I know I have over 100 pairs, but those flats are a shade of brown I don’t have covered in my collection, and those pumps would match anything so that is a versatile buy. Now I’m just being smart because I will only pay $20 and I’ll wear them with everything, I swear. Summer is coming up so I should definitely play it safe and buy some trendy sandals, I wouldn’t want to risk wearing last years gladiators and find out that this year the style is bohemian. Once you miss one trend it’s just a short hop, skip and a jump before you are in mom jeans, a Disney sweatshirt with no hood and old plastic platform sandals from 1993.

There is that voice again, “Do you really need those shoes? You don’t.” Maybe if I walk away and distract myself with another item I’ll forget all about the shoes in the basket. Good plan.

Hooray, the baby section! I don’t have any kids so I won’t buy anything from any of those aisles. Gosh I’m responsible, look at me, skipping a whole department. I should reward myself when I get to the DVDs.

But first, a quick stop at the pet supplies. It would be greedy and selfish to only buy for myself so I should really buy a few chew toys for my dog Piper. Also, I can’t buy for one pet and not the other, it creates jealousy and resentment so I have to get something filled with catnip to soothe Pooter’s craziness.

Things get a little dicey in the home goods department. Now, I know my apartment is nice and I seem to have all the things I need, but wouldn’t my bathroom just feel so much brighter if I replaced my toothbrush holder? Once I find one that I like I have to buy the whole set (that’s a law right?!). I obviously need a new duvet for my comforter because the orange one with leaves on it says “fall” to me and it’s spring now. I should just plan ahead a little and get one for the next two seasons, summer really creeps up on you so fast. Do I need a new laundry basket? Yes. Always yes. I have found that if I keep buying new ones than I never have to empty the ones that are filled with clean laundry from a month ago, this has proven to be a bit inconvenient when looking for a specific outfit but makes folding a thing of the past! I’ll get one in black and one in white for today, the blue one will be my treat for the next visit.

Hilarious, motivated sea creatures + sex appeal and guns = preeminence in culture

DVDs, oh no. You are so close to owning every Pixar film and once you do you can watch a marathon in the order they were released. It will be a beautiful learning experience about the progression of a brilliant creative team finding success with wholesome, smart, well made movies in a cynical world. What an inspiration. I will also get that new action movie with Jason Statham because he’s just sexy.

Geez, have I really been in here for almost two hours? This place is like reverse Narnia where time doesn’t move at the same pace as the outside world and when you leave your day is suddenly gone. I had better just swing through the home and beauty aisles and get out of here.

Two nail polishes, a curling iron (my hair is naturally curly but the box says it will make it even CURLIER), 5000 Ibuprofen, a pink toothbrush, after shower mousse and a humidifier shaped like a penguin later I am weary but I have made it to the register. Target is smart (yes I will refer to it as an entity); have you ever noticed that there is never a long line? I always think I’ve hit the jackpot by finding the lonely worker who has no one to ring up, not noticing that everyone else seems to be getting through quickly as well. There is always as many registers open as there are customers in line, this way you don’t have time to stand and analyze your cart. Before I can pull than extra DVD out (I was weak, I grabbed a romantic comedy from the teaser aisles near the cashiers) and put it back Target snatches it up, runs it over that evil red scanner and traps it in a red and white plastic prison with convenient carrying handles. All hope is gone. I’ve officially lost the battle.

Once home I am delirious and tired. The piles of bags end up on the floor in the entryway to my apartment and have to lay down for a nap. It is possible that some of my purchases, including my “much needed” bait item will not even make it out of the bag for a week or more. I must have really needed it huh?

Advertisements

3 Responses to “A Journey Through Irresponsibility”

  1. Josh May 5, 2012 at 6:10 am #

    A brilliant look into the mind of a shopping junkie…those DVDs by the checkout lines get me every time. Damn you Target!

  2. Jamie Burr May 5, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

    I feel as though you interviewed a tiny person living in my brain. I have this EXACT conversation with myself EVERY time I leave Target (always with 2 bags more than I intended and a mix of excitement and self loathing lol).

  3. Amanda May 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    I think my shopping experience is worse since I have all the same internal conversations but they all end in responsible Amanda saying no. So basically I always spend 2 hours in Target and leave with nothing, sometimes not even the bait item that I came there for. It’s so hard to be a woman!

I'll bet you have something interesting to say about this... do tell!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Ballad of a Beta Male

Because someone has to be the sidekick.

Laxman Prajapati

WordPress Blog

disfuctionalunit

Social satire from the perspective of a Dysfunctional Unit

Riccale's Blog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

harkthebluebird

happiness is relative

Adulthood Is Awful

Ugh being a grownup sucks.

Matt on Not-WordPress

Stuff and things.

Erin Swanson

FREELANCE WRITER AND EDITOR

Insights, Hindsights and Technicalities

The Official Blog of Comedian Jerry Morgan

thebitchytruth

I've met the truth, and she's a bitch.

Stuff I Can't Put On Facebook

A true, uncensored day in my life.

jessseeker

Random ramblings about the stuff and the thing...

Learning to be Funny

Poop? Am I hilarious yet?

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

%d bloggers like this: