Archive | March, 2012

Sleep It Off

17 Mar

I guess I’m not 18 anymore. I use 18 rather than 21 because at 18 my hangovers were far less frequent and intense than they were by the time it was legal for me to have a hangover. I think maybe 21 is the drinking age because it it just when your body starts to slowly reject the idea of consuming too much on a regular basis. The morning after my 21st birthday was the day I realized that I had to make a choice; either A. Stop drinking copious amounts of alcohol when I go out, or B. Drink more alcohol all the time to work up a tolerance and thus avoid hangovers in the long run. Unfortunately my parents did some things right so I chose to drink less on party occasions. Now don’t take this to mean that I stopped drinking, I’m not a party-pooper, but I try no to just start consuming blindly until I have to be carried out, it’s just not a cute look for me. Sadly, the instance and severity of my hangovers is getting worse with age.

What used to be a carefree night on the town with friends is now a two day sentence to be bedridden and cranky. If I have anything more than one or two drinks I’m doomed to be ill the next day and it makes me a little sad that I wasn’t more committed years ago to building my tolerance, I really dropped the ball there.

If this trend continues down the path it is on now I will end up like my mother. Now I should mention that she is the cutest person ever, but damn is she a cheap date. She never ever drinks except once in a while at Passover when she’ll have  grape juice all night and then one sip of wine, or special occasions. She reacts to alcohol like the rest of us do, but somehow her body takes the stages of drunkenness and condenses them into about ten minutes.

Minute 1- She drinks the wine (usually about half a glass is all it takes).

We are well into minute 4 here... isn't she the best?

Minute 2- She starts to giggle and talk about feeling tipsy and how much fun the evening is.

Minute 3- She joyously admits that she is now fully drunk.

Minute 4- She becomes the life of the party, a good time is had by all.

Minute 5- We watch her start to slow down and her energy fades.

Minute 6- She mentions that she is feeling a little bit sick but still seems committed to enjoying the evening.

Minute 7- She is now ready for a post drinking nap but isn’t able to have one because dinner is still going on.

Minute 8- Due to not sleeping when her body needed it, she is now in full hangover mode — spins, nausea, exhaustion, etc.

Minute 9- She remembers why she never drinks and tells us it was only because she indulged too much and next time maybe we should give her a 1/4 glass.

Minute 10- She finds a place to nap and is out cold, reporting the next day that she got a little out of hand.

Little does she know, this is mine and my sisters favorite occasion, she just gets so happy and giddy in the few minutes that she is drunk and I have never seen anything more delightful. Yes, we poke fun at how quickly she heads south but I should note here that it is all in good spirit (Mom, if you are upset that I posted this I owe you extra hugs the next time I see you, and maybe a glass of wine).

At least with age I am also learning how to better manage my hangovers. I’m like an old fart, I try to get home early, take two ibuprofen, a multi vitamin and start in on chugging gatorade. Why is it that gatorade is delicious all the times except when it is needed post drinking, when it tastes like bad medicine and barf? Don’t even get me started on Revive Vitamin Water, that stuff works like a charm but since I only drink it when I’m hungover I now believe that it is the official taste of sick.

Wow, this is really the only time I wish I was 18 again.


Excuses, Excuses

16 Mar

Two weeks since my last post. Don’t worry though, I had good reason to abandon this project for so long, fourteen good reasons actually. I shouldn’t call them excuses because each rationale was completely legitimate but I’m sure they will come off as me trying to cover my ass, so for the sake of humbling myself to my audience I will call them excuses just this once.

Day 1; Cooking dinner wore me out- I had actually started a post about rude people at concerts (which I’m sure you’ll see published soon) while I was making homemade pizzas. Of course they turned out so good that I had to reward my culinary talents by taking a night off from writing. Also, it’s pretty tiring scattering toppings onto crusts and mastering the ratio of sauce to cheese; I’m sure some of you can understand that I was drained.

Day 2; Rehearsal- I’m in an upcoming production of Our Town and this was right when my schedule went from once a week or so to 3-5 days a week, so naturally I had a lot on my mind.

Day 3; Exhaustion- From rehearsal, remember?

Day 4; Shame- After I realized that it had been four days since I had last written I assumed that my readers were all sitting home laughing at my failure. I felt so much pressure to make my comeback post awesome that I was rejecting every idea that came my way. I lost my funny.

Day 5; Guilt- I had received a few comments from people I knew saying that they missed the daily postings and I suddenly felt like I had let everyone down. I suppose I had been downplaying my celebrity status and I should have realized that this tiny blog is changing lives. Without it, others start to lose faith in the world and the whole system crumbles. I am probably now somehow to blame for the starving children in Bolivia… darn.

Day 6; Sniffles– This may seem minor but you never know when an uncared for sniffle will turn into swine flu or small pox. As someone who actually had swine flu, I don’t take any chances. I take my vitamin C, drink all the juice in the region and go straight to bed. I cannot be expected to exert myself or my brain when I’m on the verge of a life threatening illness.

Day 7; A Cold- See?!?! I told you this would happen. I think it got to this point because I was watching TV and lifting my many remotes (a post for another day maybe), I have four remotes for one TV setup, it’s madness. I’m actually amazed that with that much physical activity I wasn’t sicker, I will call it a miracle and next time try to be less reckless.

Day 8; Emotional Recovery- Each time I am sick I try to give myself a day to recover emotionally after I am cured. I think it is important to appreciate that you had a brush with death and came out alive. I use this day to indulge in whatever I want to do most and what with feeling exhausted, shamed and guilty already I certainly wasn’t feeling capable of writing something that would get a laugh.

Day 9; Work Deadlines- The writing I do that pays me certainly has to take priority over everything else and since I was in the midst of a very tough week I was running behind my deadline. If I’m going to panic, procrastinate and avoid my magazine articles it just doesn’t seem right to sit down and write for pleasure. In case my editors or publishers read this I wouldn’t want them to say, “Well her fingers obviously aren’t broken, so what’s going on?” This was one massive coverup.

Day 10; Messy Apartment- I should clarify that this doesn’t imply that I cleaned my apartment this day, thus missing a post; rather this is explaining that the state of my apartment was a very telling indicator of my mental state. I felt like I was living in squalor and it was no place to generate humor.

Day 11; Fell Asleep Early- The thought of cleaning my apartment really wore me out and I passed out on the couch early. I swear by this point I had intended to start writing here again but the mental strain was clearly more than I could handle.

Day 12; Cleaning the Apartment- My method of throwing clothes onto the closet floor in a pile, putting all kitchen items into the dishwasher and shifting everything else into the spare room (now officially the “junk room”) takes a lot out of me. All that bending and tossing really puts pressure on my back and sometimes the start button on my dishwasher requires a little added pressure to work. I can barely live under these conditions, I should just bite the bullet and hire a maid… not because I’m lazy, but rather because I need to save my energy for this blog.

Day 13; Pooter Attack- Those of you who have met my cat Pooter, know that he is a terrorist. He waits behind furniture to strike and can only be distracted from his dastardly plans by a laser toy, feathers or copious amounts of catnip. I was sitting down at the computer desk so I didn’t have quick access to any of these decoys.  I was all ready to write a post this day and Pooter shattered my confidence and rocked my emotional well being. He made it clear that he didn’t want me writing that day and who am I to question him? I would estimate that I’m getting pounced on enough to warrant an added trip to my therapist each week.

Day 14; Planning for the Apocalypse- I’m sure there is a religious nut somewhere predicting that the end is near and I certainly don’t want to be unprepared due to a silly blog entry. How dumb would I feel if I hadn’t stocked up on spam?

I think it is clear that I am ready to move forward and go back to writing regularly and may I just say that I appreciate you all being so understanding of my recent hard times. Between my cold and my live in murderer it’s a wonder I was even ready to write today, but what can I say… I’m committed. So, to the starving kids of Bolivia, you are welcome.

Things Found In My Backseat

2 Mar

This evening I was going to see Avenue Q with some friends and we decided to carpool as the theatre was about 45 minutes away. When I reached the pickup point I realized to my dismay that my backseat was a mess so I jumped out of my car and started frantically shoving everything into my trunk (which was just recently cleaned, so there goes that). While clawing at piles of stuff on the floor I realized that I had a rather odd collection of things accumulated:

Not one, but two unpaid parking tickets– I am not technically to blame for this… once the ticket makes it into the backseat there is really no hope of me remembering that it is there and I can no longer be held responsible. Also, the no overnight parking rule in Providence has nailed me dozens of times over the years and I feel I have paid the city enough, so let’s pretend it isn’t paid because I’m standing up for myself and I’m passionate about a political cause (rather than the alternative, which is just that I’m a ninny). I should also mention for the sake of my mother who is likely to call me after reading this, yes I will pay those tickets first thing Monday and yes I know that was a not-so-good life choice. I can just hear her now in her disappointed voice, “I’m not upset, it really doesn’t effect me, I just worry and I think you should pay them”. I love how much she cares and how much she is still willing to parent even though I should be an adult by now, she has the patience of a saint.

Four or five giant wads of tissue paper- I have no idea… really. I found it strange that there was that large a quantity of it and yet I have no recollection of what it was all from.

Miss Congeniality on DVD- Well this is just smart. You never know when the urge to see Sandra Bullock as an FBI agent/struggling pageant queen is going to strike, so it’s wise to always have it on hand for those emergencies. It is now in my trunk, so if we are hanging out anytime soon and you want to watch it, I’m ready.

A heavy brown paper bag- This one is bad news because it was clearly my lunch bag one day for work, but I have been using a lunch tote for a couple months now, if that is any indicator of it’s age. I opened it and briefly saw that there was a container in there… that will be a fun surprise to open at a later date (check out that blog post in a month or so, when I clean out my trunk).

A studded costume cigarette holder- … that I only used once… at a party I went to… in late October. The dumbest thing about that is that I don’t even smoke.

An unopened bag of fake cotton snow- I had bought it to use as a possible makeshift white screen for a projected slideshow at a charity event and then a better idea happened, thus dooming the fake snow to my backseat for five months. This bag actually made it onto the ledge under the back window a month or so ago and has been obstructing part of my rear view ever since… yes mom, I have moved it and yes I know that isn’t safe. I’m sorry.

It all worked out for the best though because when my friends got into the backseat after I moved all the stuff and they told me what a nice car I had. It’s amazing what shifting stuff around can accomplish, this is why my closet is just a giant mountain of shoes and clothes, but hey, at least they aren’t out where guests can see– I’m tidy!

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