Things I Don’t Need In Bulk

12 Feb

I should say upfront that I adore BJ’s Wholesale Club, I love a bargain and I love being able to get the foods that I want in large quantities so I never run out. Yet, while browsing the aisles recently I was struck by certain items that I felt were a little insane to buy in bulk. Maybe I don’t mean that the items themselves are insane… I should rather say that the people who buy such items are pigeon poo crazy (it’s my new alternative to bat $#!t crazy, I’m trying to swear less).

Here is what I have compiled as a list of ridiculous bulk products and my reasons why you don’t need this much:

1 Gallon of Extra Heavy Mayonnaise– The thought of this makes me want to gag a little; how much potato salad could you be making? Also, I’ve heard of labeling variations of products to say when things are lighter or less fattening, but this new idea of specifically stating that something is “extra heavy” is beyond disturbing. I can respect someone who loves mayo, who wants to buy the regular full fat variety, (some people just aren’t into Miracle Whip) but this is just irresponsible. Why not just spread some lard onto your sandwich next time?

New and improved recipe for pasta salad, now made with clotted cream!

6 Pounds of Starlight Mints- I have a small amount of appreciation for this one because my Grandfather was the last living man on earth who loved these, but I can’t just let it go because of that. These are the mints that you grab at the Podiatrists office and toss into your bag just in case you need a mint on the fly. The only issue here is that every time you are digging through your giant purse and you catch sight of it, you aren’t in the mood for it. This is probably due to the fact that they are not very good. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t bad either… they just are. They don’t really cure bad breath as a mint is meant to so you will inevitably throw it away when you decide to clean out your bag. It’s outer wrapper is covered in crumbs and lint and the mint inside is melted to the plastic. Still, the next time you see a bowl full you will grab a new one to carry around for the next 3 months.

A flock of starlight mints awaiting their journey into a Senior's purse

2.5 Pounds of Low-Moisture Part-Skim Mozzarella & 4.4 Pounds of Instant Nonfat Dry Milk- I don’t know what all that means, but by the time I finished reading the labels I had lost interest and no longer cared. Any food that has that many adjectives in front of it is automatically gross; moreover, if it is claiming to be a dairy product, I have my doubts.

3 Pounds of Reese’s Puffs Cereal– I don’t personally know your kids, but I do know that I don’t think they will ever need this much sugar. Ever. If you are the parent who is feeding these to your child so often that you want to buy them in this quantity, I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I’m judging you. I guess it’s alright with you so long as it is their school teachers who deal with their sugar rush during the day.

4 Pounds of Frozen Whole Kernel Corn– Maybe I’m being unfair here, I mean nowadays there are so few foods with corn in them, so this could be an easy way to get more into our diet…

600 Plastic Knives- Do plastic knives even work? I really need 600 of something that barely serves a purpose? I feel like any party I’m at where there are plastic knives available, I always grab one and then can’t find seating to be able to use it or I give up sawing back and forth and just rip bits out of my food. If I’m eating something soft like cake I can just cut with my nifty plastic fork and if it’s steak I want to dice up, I don’t think plastic is the answer. So what is it good for; mid-range sturdiness? What items does that encompass? A plastic knife is like the Easy Bake Oven of cutlery, that warm light bulb really gives more the illusion of cooking something, but I wouldn’t trust it with any raw egg products.

6 Pounds of Crisco– With this much you can try to use it as a substitute for the Extra Heavy Mayonnaise when trying to be healthier (the packaging does say “All Vegetable Shortening” and if it has the word vegetable on it, it must be good for you).

116 Ounces of B&M Baked Beans– Well they do claim to be “New England’s Finest” so who would ever want less? Just be sure to also buy the super sized bottle of Beano for dessert.

On the flip side of things I have to point out that there were a few products that I wish came in a larger quantity:

1 Gallon of Frank’s Red Hot– I buy milk in gallons and as much as I love a tall glass of cold milk, I always need more Frank’s in my kitchen than milk. I think it is possible though that no amount of this delicious red sauce would ever be enough.

16 Ounces of Capers– Like Frank’s, these are good on everything; think of them as tiny green balls of wonderful. If I can get 6 pounds of a candy that nobody will ever want to eat why can the caper companies not provide me with the same size option?

I want BJ's to look into selling capers in these quantities

64 Ounces of Autocrat Coffee Syrup– As a Rhode Islander I am proud to say that coffee milk is our official state drink (in 1993 it just barely beat out Del’s Lemonade) and I know quite a few people who would make short work of that bottle. I have 2.5 pounds of strange faux dairy products but only 64 ounces of liquid awesome? Something is off.

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3 Responses to “Things I Don’t Need In Bulk”

  1. Frankie Wellins February 13, 2012 at 1:56 am #

    Wonderful, Samantha! You never fail to make me smile and frequently make me
    laugh out loud. Grandma

  2. drnommy February 14, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

    OK, so the Ugg boots USED to be my favorite one, but it just got topped.

  3. Mike C. September 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    I have had more than a few occasions in my life where a girl said “can you go into my bag and grab me so-and-so.” I can say, with a degree of certainly, that on all of those occasions, there was, indeed, a crumb-filled mint chilling at the bottom.

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